On Saturday evening someone flipped the switch and, like the funhouse at the state fair, the floor suddenly tilted from under me and I careened out of control.
Damn.
Perhaps I should be happy that I got through an entire month without really experiencing depression. Perhaps I should be happy that the sadness is no longer quite as overwhelming as it was Sunday morning, when I stood in the shower forcing myself not to cry because I was afraid that if I started it would never ever stop. Perhaps I should be happy that I no longer feel I have to hide my emotions, but can instead type my anguish to be read by the known and unknown masses.
But I'm not.
Last night, in dreams filled with anxiety, I tried to finish the brochures Sarah has been making for my department at work. I would finish one thing, only to realize I'd forgotten another. The one-hour project stretched on and on and I felt less and less in control.
As I sit and reflect on this now, I realize that out-of-control, incompetant feeling is so typical of my life right now. I made a "to do" list a few days ago and there must have been over a dozen items on it. And not little ones, but the big "finish this client project and this one and this one and find someone to chop down the tree and reroof the garage and get someone to clean the gutters and replace the flashing and write to your grandmas and when are you going to paint the kitchen." My "want to do" list was much shorter - maybe 3 or 4 items: finish a necklace I started months ago, work on the book purse I'm making. It was just too much for me. So Saturday I blew off all my responsibilities and just relaxed. It was "Blooming Days" on Grand Ave., so I walked up and down the street getting free flowers at the different stores. The boquet now in the living room makes me smile every time I see it.
I don't have the energy or the time to pursue the things that matter to me. And, rather than finishing up my projects, I am drawn into ever-growing procrastination and distraction.
I feel tired and sad and stupid and ugly and uncreative and trapped. And I am dreading the hormonal crash which will be added to this in a few weeks.
Posted by rachel at August 3, 2004 12:23 PM
Mine is just lifting, so I feel ya.
Colleen and I want to throw you a rumspringa - any interest?
Me too, Rachel, me too. I hate that it seems so random with me. And that I avoid everyone and everything.
The flowers sound wonderful. I miss being in the city.
Posted by: Stacey at August 6, 2004 12:56 AMI wish I had read your blog before I saw you last night and could have asked a more thoughtful question about how you are feeling. Your ability to match colors and generate good ideas has not been hampered, thank God!
Posted by: jenell at August 7, 2004 07:33 AMyou said 'I am drawn into ever-growing procrastination and distraction' - sometimes just stopping the projects and taking a gentleness break is what is needed and necessary.
allow this season, enjoy the flowers, sit, breathe, relax. the lists will take care of themselves eventually, but you, you will never have today again. give yourself permission to have a 'blooming day' all of your own.
Posted by: bobbie at August 8, 2004 05:51 AM
I'd say paint the kitchen could be added to the "want to do" list rather than the "need to do." I've had to realize that there are a lot of things out there that are incredibly overwhelming and seemingly difficult that I just can't handle at times...sucks though, especially when it all should seem so easy. The beauty of depression.... My Saturday consisted on lying on the couch all day - good job getting outside! Next time you're walking up and down Grand, feel free to stop by if you'd like some company....
Posted by: Joy at August 3, 2004 02:24 PM