I'd wager you are less the "chubby, unattractive, unhip, boring" girl than the mysterious, fiendishly intelligent girl who, when she speaks, always says something right-on.
I read this a month or two ago on a message board I frequent and the truth of it has stuck with me. I don't know the woman who wrote it or the one for whom it was intended, but it seems to capture some elemental truth. We do not see ourselves as we ought.
I run across this in my friends all the time - the beautiful, intelligent women who fear they are too unattractive or interesting to get a date, the ones who fear nobody will want to be friends because _____ is wrong with them, those who stay locked in jobs they hate because they lack the self-confidence to find something else.
So often I, too, am locked into a junior-high vision of myself - the chubby, painfully-shy girl who was tormented in the school hallways (the taunting cries of "beach whale" have hurt much longer than the fists that pounded into me), who mattered so little that the school administrators refused to take any action to stop the abuse. This is the person I tend to see.
A few minutes ago I finished a phone call with an acquaintance from college. He is consulting for some people who need a "an extremely savvy and talented web designer" and thought of me. Frankly, it shocked me. I just can't bring myself to think that way. Granted, I know I can turn out nice work, when given the freedom to do so. But I am so prone to compare myself to the truly great designers I see; I forget that I can be good and that is often enough.
I wish my self-doubting friends could see themselves as I do - as women I admire (and often envy) for their strength, kindness, intelligence, wit, talent, and beauty.
And I wish I could look at myself the way I look at them.
Posted by rachel at August 14, 2004 10:28 AM
Absolutely. We need to be each other's mirror, and teach each other how to hold an accurate mirror in front of ourselves. Why is that so difficult?
Posted by: kp at August 16, 2004 09:01 AMI think that one of the difficulties is that we learn very young that the price of lifting someone else up is putting ourselves below them. Which sticks, even once we realize it isn't true.
Another problem is that as girls we learn all too well that it is only our outside that matters, insofar as it corresponds to the ideal. You're smart? So what. You have big teeth. Funny? Who cares- you're too short. So we measure ourselves not by what we have, but by what we lack.
I think one of our hardest jobs as women (and men!)is doing what we can to restore a real, whole-person vision of beauty in our culture.
Posted by: Stacey at August 17, 2004 01:06 AM
pictures are good for this in my life. looking back to the times i thought i was 'so fat' and i realize that i was not, gives me perspective to realize i might not be 'seeing' myself with my best interests at heart.
btw - they didn't say 'good' they said 'an extremely savvy and talented web designer' and they thought of you. receive and enjoy!
Posted by: bobbie at August 15, 2004 06:11 AM