Sitting on the living room floor, watching Brigit sprawl across the carpet, I am overwhelmed with a fierce love for my cats. What abandonment, to fling legs around with wild freedom, exposing her belly to the world. She must feel safe. I see the pale pink skin between the white and black hairs. My sweet babycat. Her green eyes gaze at me, the color of peridot and early spring leaves.
Yesterday I visited friends in southern MN. At lunch, the 6-year-old asked me several times if I had kids or a husband. No, I said. "Why are you alone?" he asked. I explained that sometimes it takes people a while to find the right person to marry. He looked slyly at his grandfather sitting at the far end of the table, then whispered to me, "Not him." No, I agreed, his grandpa wasn't the right guy for me. He laughed. I hope that someday he will remember that it's ok if your life follows a different path, one that doesn't involve marrying young and having tons of children right away.
Every time I go there, I find that I've moved farther and farther than mainstream evangelicalism. I suspect that if my friend realized this, she'd say I was "worldly" and fear that I've walked away from God, if not lost my salvation. And yet that's so untrue. God loves me. I love God back, in whatever ways I can. I rest secure in this, the way Brigit and Aidan are secure in my love. I do not fear.
Posted by rachel at March 13, 2005 11:33 AM
Marrying young and having lots of children may seem wonderful from the other side of life, but hindsight is always 20/20. What I'm trying to say is: I love my family and my wife but we married too young and this explosion of children can be very stressful. Enjoy what you have right now. Some of us miss it. You have our support and our blessings. Love God always and rest in the fact that your presence in our lives blesses us.
Posted by: Jeff at March 17, 2005 09:21 AMI always wonder about the depth of faith for people who believe it's possible to walk away from God. Granted I wouldn't call my faith all that deep most days but I never think that's because I've somehow escaped from God's clutches. The idea that faith boils down to our decisions about how close we want to stand to God just seems like a pretty feeble relationship.
Posted by: Carla Barnhill at March 18, 2005 01:14 PM
"I do not fear." I'm glad you have recognized love and feel secure. It seems that moment is too often fleating, that we can take that breath and understand that we are fine, we are loved and everything is going to be ok.
And I hear you about not being mainstream enough. Try working for a covenant church. I love 'em, but I do freak them out every once in awhile. But they are good people and still love me, even if I haven't seen "their" light.
Posted by: Brooke at March 15, 2005 04:16 PM