Transience

volatile

My moods these days are as fickle as the weather. Yesterday morning I went for a walk around Lake Como and found myself wishing I could freeze time and keep things like that forever. The blue sky, blue water, budding trees and slight breeze made me remember why I love living here; in those few minutes, all my winter suffering was redeemed. I felt alive and hopeful.

Today, though, it is cloudy. I overslept and am not sure how I managed to drive myself to work, as I still feel drugged. A bit earlier my ipod was playing Rich Mullins' Hard to Get and I found myself wanting to cry because it so easily captured my thoughts these days.

And I know that I am only lashing out
At the One who loves me most
And after I figured this, somehow
All I really need to know

Is if You who live in eternity
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in time
We can't see what's ahead
And we can not get free of what we've left behind
I'm reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears
All the words of shame and doubt, blame and regret

I can't see how You're leading me unless You've led me here
Where I'm lost enough to let myself be led
And so You've been here all along I guess
It's just Your ways and You are just plain hard to get

I no longer understand God. All my explanations and proofs are empty. If someone asked me why I believe, I honestly don't know what I could tell them. Instead, I cling to the knowledge that at one time I knew, truly knew. God revealed himself to me and I knew. Convincing, eh?

I am angry and frustrated at still being single. I want a husband. I want a baby. I want someone who would sit with me at the hospital or help weed the garden or go to the movies without having to make plans days in advance. I want sex. I want someone to know if I don't come home.

It seems like I've been waiting for the "perfect man" and I just need to accept that he doesn't exist. But which part of the list do I give up on? Is is ok if he doesn't read? Doesn't want kids? Isn't a Christian?

Aye, there's the rub.

The only person showing any interest in me at all isn't a Christian. Great. So he falls into the great "forbidden" category I've lived with for the past 14 years. At this point it's all still in the "getting to know you" email stage, so I'm jumping the gun a bit. But I can't help wonder "what if?" What if my choice is between singleness or a non-Christian husband? What if my choice is a Christian that I "settle" for or a non-Christian who's a better match? What if what if what if. In my younger, more zealous days, I would have said well, just pray for his conversion and talk about God, but be willing to drop the relationship if he doesn't go that way. And I know friends who have done that. But frankly, I don't know how I would do that anymore.

Blah.

Right now, I don't know that I care. My faith and perspective put me in such a precarious place anyway, too liberal and non-traditional for the "good Christian" boys and too religious for the non-Christians. At least this guy isn't looking for Christian Barbie, unlike everyone I've met on eharmony.

Posted by rachel at May 23, 2005 12:40 PM