Last night I dug out my journal and was shocked to realize I haven't written in almost a year. Where did it go? What did I do? I wish I'd thought to record even a little of my life. I suppose I could go back & copy in some of my blog posts. But the deeper things I've been pondering have no written record. And they may be the most significant changes in years.
It was strange to flip through the pages. Bits of pieces of my thoughts since 1999 jump back into the present. Oh, right. I had a crush on him? Why was I afraid of turning 28? Of buying a house? Why did I let depression drag me down and lock in me in a cage of loneliness? What would have happened if I had married him or him or him?
Sometimes it's strange to read my old prayers and messages to God. Good, in some ways, to see how I've grown and changed. But at the same time, hard. I've lost a lot of the hope I used to have, the certainty that God was active in my life. But at the same time, the faith I do have seems gentler. I worry less about trying to earn God's acceptance. The feeling that I have to do things to make God love me is dissipating. Sure, it's there at times. I get that twinge every time I realize I'm not being a GLE (Good Little Evangelical) - choosing the Simpsons over church, giving up on Bible studies, embracing my cynicism. But I don't think I've jumped on the Chutes & Ladders fast-track to hell just because I've stopped memorizing Bible verses. Believe me, this is a big change.
In another time-slipping moment today, I had a wild case of deja vu while looking at a website I'd never seen before. Strange file names slapped me with "hey! you've seen us before!" Times like this make me wonder about the nature of time and reality.
Tomorrow I have another date. I feel like I've gone all girly-girl, wanting to tell everyone I meet what's going on. My ability to concentrate at work (already slim, at best) has dwindled down to nothing. I am afraid and giddy, a weird flutter in my chest that I haven't felt in ages.
Posted by rachel at July 12, 2005 12:50 PM
Yeah, I can relate. I had to go through two weeks of new job training while in the midst of that! I'm surprised I learned a THING other that how his name looks in cursive, printing...
Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Posted by: colleen at July 13, 2005 08:39 AM