The experience of losing your faith, or of having lost it, is an experience that in the long run belongs to faith; or at least it can belong to faith if faith is still valuable to you, and it must be or you would not have written me about this. I don’t know how the kind of faith required of a Christian living in the 20th century can be at all if it is not grounded on this experience that you are having right now of unbelief. “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief” is the most natural and most human and most agonizing prayer in the gospels, and I think it is the foundation prayer of faith.
- Flannery O’Connor
I just ran across this quote and it captured so well my thoughts of the past days & months, when I find myself asking again and again, "What do I believe? Why? How can I believe? Am I still a Christian? What does that mean?"
So far, I've discovered that I'm good at coming up with the questions, but not so great at finding answers.
Spending time with TheBoy reminds me that I am not good at living in the present moment. I am constantly looking to the past, hoping to find patterns that will help me understand, or wondering about the future. I so rarely just experience and enjoy the now. (He, on the other hand, is most comfortable taking life one day at a time, unwilling to impose an arbitrary schedule on events.) The past week I've been struggling mightily with this, wanting to skip ahead to a place where everything is neat and defined and I no longer have to wonder or worry.
But relationships, whether with God or boys, are not that easy. There is the delicate dance of getting-to-know-you. There is fear and excitement and misunderstanding. There is patience and respect and hope. There are times when I want to say "This is me. This is who I really am-fears and darkness and beauty and everything bound up together. Will you still love me if I truly let you in?"
Posted by rachel at August 1, 2005 11:37 AM
I know a boy much like this. He's a joy to hang out with and at times challenges my structure. I've learned a lot from his way of living in the present and refusing to look too far ahead. He always says he doesn't want to disappoint himself or other people by making plans he can't necessarily keep. As I learn to be less structured and more enjoying of the present, I find the calm takes over (once the initial panic of losing control passes). Sounds like you've met a winner though :) Best of luck in that.
Posted by: Jenie at August 2, 2005 11:23 PM
I am a huge fan of Flannery O'Connor. I love that quote by her. She was a woman whose faith I respected, as it seemed real and very open.
I am glad that you are happy and that you are letting love and food and the getting to know you part be as delicious as it always is.
Posted by: Rachel Stratford at August 1, 2005 10:16 PM