Since a fateful stop at a gas station somewhere in Montana or North Dakota on Saturday, I have been fascinated by the changing colors of my new mood ring. There is something strangely compelling about watching it shift from lavendar to teal to deep purple. (How quickly will it revert if I take it off? Does it change color when I think of certain people? What if I wash my hands or hold my mug of tea?) Right now the flowers alternate between cobalt and rich purple. During my meeting earlier this morning, they were lavendar & blue while it rested on the table, but turquoise and medium gray-purple when I spun it between my fingers.
Who knew I could get so much pleasure from a $1.99 purchase?
It has been 2 weeks since my last date with TheBoy, thanks to the distractions of visiting family & Montana & sucky work schedules on his part. But we are supposed to get together tonight. There's not much else to say, I suppose. I've missed him (and in Montana, kept thinking "Oh, Dave would think these rocks are cool. And he'd be as excited as I am at the thought of dinosaur bones possibly lying beneath our feet. Would the colors & patterns at Yellowstone inspire a new painting?"). But I wonder whether he missed me. I've reached the insecure stage I go through in all friendships/relationships where I wonder if I'm being too open, too vulnerable, too me. Will that scare him away? Seeing Mar's Montana photos online a few minutes ago made me feel horribly gross & unattractive. My big fear today is that I'll do something like kiss him on the cheek and he'll say "Um... I don't like you in that way...."
Posted by rachel at August 17, 2005 10:50 AM
I know. And I try.
And it's not just with TheBoy; I worry about it with everyone. With you & Jimmy, with Colleen, with KP, with Katie & Anna & Marlene & Shana, with my friends Jocelyn & Sarah & Holly, with my family.
Ah, let's hear it for the fear of abandonment!
Posted by: Rachel at August 17, 2005 05:25 PMDon't let those thoughts get into your head! Push them away, for they are not helpful and can only drag you down. Relationships are risky, but they are worth it.
Just have fun, and be yourself.
Shit, I sound like an after school special. I feel like I need to add - Don't do drugs!
Posted by: Mr. M at August 17, 2005 05:45 PM
okay honey, you have to risk being you. If he can't take, that's his crap. If you hold back, you'll regret it. trust me on this.
Posted by: Carla Barnhill at August 17, 2005 05:21 PM