Last night the phone rang at 9 pm and my heart jumped into my throat. Alas, 'twas not TheBoy responding to the "can we be friends again?" email that I sent late Thursday night. Instead, it was a guy from college asking if I could help with the retreat we're having next month for people who were involved in the christian group(s) at my college. So now I'm partly responsible for helping to pick people to be on the discussion panel & come up with questions to ask them.
"What kind of questions?" I asked him.
"What they wish they'd known or done differently in college, how their faith has affected their lives, that sort of thing."
He also suggested several people that I should ask (and mentioned one that he'd rather I didn't). It felt... weird. Because I'm not totally sure why he doesn't want this one person on the panel, but I suspect that my current beliefs are probably more similar to his than to the "acceptable" people's. I found myself relieved that he didn't want me on the panel (since I don't know how honestly I could answer the questions), but it also left me wondering a bit why I'm not "good enough". Yeah, mixed messages. I know. But see, I'm not a) the missionary, b) the shiny-happy birth-control-free (and very large) blond family, or c) the very enthusiastically "spiritual" family that were suggested.
I'm just me. Rachel. Working at a mundane job, dragging myself to church in hopes of re-meeting a god I once believed in, holding myself so tightly because the stress of not knowing is enough to shred me and leave me weeping if I let down my guard.
What would I tell the current students who will join us at the retreat?
Don't lock yourself in the christian ghetto.
Faith doesn't make sense a lot of the time.
You know & understand a lot less than you think you do.
Love people more.
Doubt is normal. Don't be afraid of questions. Be afraid of not having questions.
Accept that there are days you will wish you could just be an agnostic because it would make life so much easier.
A lot of the "shoulds" and rules you pick up from evangelical christian culture are just crap. Be discerning & know when to dump them.
I'm looking forward to seeing my old friends again, but at the same time, I'm a bit apprehensive. I think it will just highlight how much I have left behind in the past 10 years. I fear they will no longer want me.
Posted by rachel at September 19, 2005 03:17 PM