For the past week or so, I've been having brief dizzy spells. I'll be sitting at my computer when the room suddenly spins and I feel myself lurching toward the floor. This is a little different from the other "weird spinny" feelings I have, where suddenly I am sinking into the earth and it feels like the floor has swallowed me up to my knees. My current suspicion is that it has to do with my blood sugar levels, as the past few weeks I've been trying to reduce refined carbs & go for more veggies & stuff. Perhaps my body is just complaining about the lack of raisin toast and orange juice for breakfast? Or, since it usually happens at work, is it something to do with the refresh rate of the monitor and the way frequency can affect the brain?
Yesterday I looked as though my face had a sunburn. Thanks to my friend Holly, I decided it must be due to taking too much Niacin. I've skipped my B-Complex vitamin today and don't seem to be quite as abnormally pink.
Things like this amaze me. My body is such a complex balance of chemicals, yet I have very little understanding of how it actually works. As long as things are going mostly ok, I just take it all for granted.
Perhaps I should work on defining my theology of the body, though? If God took on flesh, perhaps there is a significance to being human that I am missing?
I don't agree with the gnostic belief that the body is evil, though I often hate my own abundant flesh. In general, I appreciate the physicality of my friends. For the past few years, I have been working hard to treat myself with the same care and acceptance that I feel for others. I think getting massages has helped; there is something about feeling vulnerable and naked, yet being touched with compassion and acceptance. As a single gal, I look back to the (woefully distant) days when my boyfriends made me feel that perhaps my body was actually attractive and desirable. Recently I've realized that when I get into the "I'm a horrible, monstrous freak of nature" mood, the completely non-sexual touch of friends helps me return to reality; clearly I'm not so repellant that nobody will touch me.
I wonder how my life would change if I could go from grudgingly accepting my physical nature to actually being appreciative of the complex creation I am?
After a long dry spell, I actually felt productive last week. I accomplished more stuff than usual at work, knocked out a couple of designs for my freelance clients, did a few loads of laundry, and finally got around to testing the paint I bought for the kitchen. (I think this shade is still too yellow & probably too bright. Living with it a few more days should help me decide, though.)
Today has been a busy day, too, which is a good sign. I hope that it continues.
As part of my quest for self-improvement, I ordered a new set of workout videos this weekend. They arrive tomorrow. You all have my permission to bug me and ask if I'm actually using them. :)
Spiritually, though, I still feel blah. Coasting along, it's easy to distract myself with things (visiting a friend's new house, buying a chair and end table and then rejoicing in my fabulous shopping luck that got me $820 worth of furniture for under $250, reading and reading and reading). These days I am having to force myself to spend time with people, because I would rather retreat into my own little world. It may be time to reinstate the "you have to say yes to any invitation you get" rule, so that I don't become a hermit.
I dreamt that I went to visit Heather, a college roommate, at her parents' house in MA. And then I was back in MN and had decided to buy an old car from my former pastor's son. When I went to get the car from where it was sitting in a parking lot, there were 3 guys from the Porch (Brett & two I don't remember) in it. They drove off in it and ignored my yells of "hey, that's my car!" Or maybe this is the point where I went to visit Heather. Anyway, at some point I discover that she was hit & killed by a semi when she tried to cross the road at that parking lot where the guys took my car, and her body was lying there when I sped off chasing them, but I didn't even notice. And then somehow I was in 3rd grade and a reporter was there trying to get information about her death from me and I kept refusing to let him sit at my table. Luke and Michelle were there. I wondered if I had time to remove my phone numbers from the Porch site before the media discovered them and started calling me.
I woke up feeling so sad.
When I got to work, I found an email from my sister-in-law showing an ultrasound of their baby. My emotions are mixed. I don't know what else to say about that.
And then this was in one of the email newsletters I read this morning:
"Many love Christ as long as they encounter no hardship; many praise and bless him as long as they receive some comfort from him. But if Jesus hides himself and leaves them for a while, they either start complaining or become dejected. Those, on the contrary, who love him for his own sake and not for any comfort of their own, praise him both in trial and anguish of heart as well as in the bliss of consolation. Even if Jesus should never comfort them, they would continue to
praise and thank him. What power there is in a pure love for Jesus - love that is free from all self-interest and self-love! -Thomas à Kempis, The Imitation of Christ"
I wonder, is it truly possible to love Jesus - or anyone - without a hint of self-interest or self-love? And why is there something wrong with feeling dejected if Jesus "hides himself and leaves them for a while"? Isn't that a normal reaction to perceived abandonment?
Last night a small group of people planting a church in Hopkins spoke at the Porch. I am humbled by what they said: their mission is sponsored by Rwanda. How is it that a country with an average annual income of $230 decides to send money to form a new church congregation in America? The country ranking #199 in GDP is supporting missionaries in the #2 country?
What kind of sacrifice does that take?
How important is the call of the gospel?
Do they have even the slightest glimmer of what they have done? Do I?
What can I learn from people who - on a daily basis - live on less money than I spend to park my car each morning, yet are willing to give it up in order to bring Jesus to people they'll never know?
How weak is my passion.
"And so I think it’s the same with us. Why don’t we pray like the widow in Jesus’ story? Because we don’t want anything quite as desperately as the widow. And why don’t we want anything quite that desperately? Because we won’t let ourselves. Because, to want something that desperately is to open yourself up to great heartache and disappointment… What if I don’t get it?"
"The truth is, we suspect, deep down inside, that God really couldn’t care less. And we’d rather not face that suspicion, or the disappointment of hoping and not having an answer, so we insulate ourselves with weak desire, small hopes- easy prayers." - Bob Hyatt
I have been ignoring God. Not in that distracted, oh-I'm-just-so-busy way, but deliberately, consciously. Brief prayers get muttered for friends plunging headlong into situations which break my heart. But little else.
Something is missing and my fear keeps me from seeking it. I avoid the things I know God has called me to do, out of fear for what that may entail. I don't want to suffer. I don't want to stand out or look wierd. I am unwilling to submit, to sacrifice my wants and dreams.
This makes me sad.
I read this and it makes me long for the past, for what I am missing. I, too, remember those days when the visions God gave gripped me and fueled my passion for the kingdom. How do I get back there from here? Do I want to?
I have not prayed for God to restore that passion, to open my ears so I can hear Him, to open my eyes to His visions. What if nothing happens? How horrible to get the "sorry sucker - you had your chance and blew it" message. Or - possibly worse - to find nothing but God's silence.
It's like my desire for marriage and children. Yesterday I was reading an article about how wonderful & blessed singleness is when we just submit to God and give up all our desire for anything else. If I hadn't been at work my screams of frustration would have been audible. No! No! I refuse this! I will not do it! I don't care if being single gives me more opportunities to serve God or help others. I don't want it. And I will fight it with everything in me. Because truthfully, I think that being alone for the rest of my life would kill me. If not physically, then certainly my passion, my compassion, my trust in God. Of all the things that could make me walk away forever, I believe this is the real sticking point. So I set myself arbitrary cutoff dates - "if I'm still single at 41", or "if I don't have a child by 38" - those points where I can say "to hell with all this, it isn't working" and give up. Of course, 31 used to be one of those points, yet I'm still around.
I'm tired of praying safe prayers (or no prayers at all) because of my fear God will disappoint me.
I'm looking at refinancing again. The stress I put on myself with things like this is incredible. I run the numbers again and again - what if this happens? What about that? Will I get a raise next year? Will I get married/move/sell the house in the next seven years? Ten? The last time I did this, I got physically ill and spent several days crying from the stress. And then I ended up making what was probably a poor decision.
So now I'm looking at spending even more money to return to a fixed-rate mortgage, after feeling pressured into a 7-year ARM the last time. The uncertainty of the ARM is not for me, though. Even though it's still over 6 years away, part of me gets panicky when I think about it. Is it worth spending $4K now so that I can know what my payments will be in 8 or 12 or 25 years? Probably. But it pisses me off that these things are so damn complicated. And no matter who I talk to, even people who are probably quite honest, I can't help but feel I'm getting ripped off, that I should look just one more place, run the numbers through one more online calculator, wait one more day because the rates might drop again.
I make myself sick worrying about things which come out to a difference of maybe $20-50/month. And yet, when I look at this chart of mortgage rates from 1971-present, I can't help but realize that I am incredibly blessed/fortunate/whatever to be buying a house now, rather than the early 80s, where rates ranged from 11% to over 15%.
It's days like these that I wish I had someone to help me make decisions. And either a better-paying job or a second income.
baking powder, salad dressing, feta cheese
So much for tonight's dinner plans. But hooray for Cub for finding the items and telling me I can get a refund the next time I'm there.
My head has been pounding all day. I can't focus on anything. Blah.
I've been looking for lights for the house and thought I'd put together a list to show my parents. You're welcome to look (and vote), if you want. Here's some stuff I like:
For the entryway:
one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine (Santa Cruz), ten (I love this one, but it's too big and too expensive), eleven, twelve
Dining room:
a funky Art Deco chandelier (though I wish it came in brass)
I'm still looking for other options.
Kitchen:
Flushmount: one, two, three, four, five, six (I like the shape, but not that it's fluorescent)
Semiflush:
one, two, three, four
My heart is heavy and I don't feel like writing much. In some ways, I find these pictures (and the reminder of just how small we are) helpful.
Earth from Mars
Moon & Earth
an incredible number of galaxies
God, we are so so small. It's frightening.
Thinking about the "sequels" to Revolve, I noticed several that were missing. Where is the edition for men? The fact that it will be done last (if at all) irritates me; it is as if we are being told, "men do just fine with real Bibles, but you kids and women, well... you won't get it unless we help you out and make it all pretty and shiny."
If the women's edition covers "men, beauty, fitness, and food," what will the men's cover? Boobies, viagra, football and beer?
I'm also waiting for the special "children's" edition. I'd like to title it Elmo, Jesus 'n' Me. It would be filled with lively and colorful drawings which would pull children into Bible stories. And in every one, there would be Elmo, helping to pass out loaves and fishes, sitting with the children that Jesus let come to him, or perched on John's lap at the last supper. The Special Gift Edition could include a cuddly Jesus doll.
When you reach for the can of air freshener, be sure to read the label before starting to spray. This will prevent a shout of "Oh crap!" as you realize that the house is now filled with the sparkling-fresh scent of Deep Woods Off.
For KP, Colleen, Carla, Jenell, Naomi, & everyone else who was fascinated & horrified by Revolve:
Refuel : The Complete New Testament for Guys
"This BibleMag is a totally cool new way for teen guys to read the Bible. Formatted like a sports or entertainment magazine, this New Testament Bible comes to life with relevant application. Based on the success of Revolve, and in response to tremendous customer feedback, this Bible is sure to be a hit!"
Becoming : The Complete New Testament (for women)
"Becoming is the complete New Testament using the New Century Version, but it wouldn’t be a culture ‘zine if it didn’t address men, beauty, fitness and food! It’s chocked full of applicable ways to integrate faith into your daily life. Becoming gives advice on how to tackle some of life’s biggest concerns while taking on some of those not-so-easy-to-understand concepts in the Bible. By addressing issues from sexual abuse, rape, and divorce to encouraging relationships, hospitality, and Bible knowledge, this Bible magazine is perfect for adult women who are eager to learn more about the “faith thing.”"
For Javier: I will be cynical for you, my friend:
DHS (Department of Homeland Security): the TV show
Producers claim "the series will educate, inform, and inspire the average citizens around the world about America's front-line defense/offense against those who have declared war on the U.S. and our democratic allies." - E! Online News
Yeah. Sure it will.
My comments on Jenell's interpretation of the fundamentalist worldview are based on several years at a charismatic church. I suppose there could be differences between that and other forms of fundamentalism.
1. Nature of God: God loves you and wants to save you, but he also hates you and takes pleasure in doing justice which may involve damning you forever.
Actually, I think it's that God loves you & wants to save you, but can't look on sin. So unless you repent and get saved (and show you're saved by performing the expected functions: no smoking or swearing, study your Bible every day, go to church twice on Sunday and every Wednesday night, etc.), then God will be obligated to give you over to the punishment you deserve. It's not so much that God hates you as that you're forcing him to act justly. (Because being saved is where mercy triumphs over justice.)
2. Nature of God: God is all-powerful, but can’t protect even his own children from Satan.
Not so much that God can't, but that he won't. Part of the whole free will/fallen world thing is that evil is active on earth. So if you make choices to allow Satan to act in your life, it's your own fault. You have chosen to let Satan affect you. If you were really following God (and following through on the activities listed above), nothing would happen to you. Just stand firm & claim the blood of Jesus and Satan will have to flee.
3. Nature of humans: Humans are weak and totally sinful, but still can be held accountable for making the free and good choice to choose Christ.
Yeah.... But at the same time, God wants all people to be saved and draws us to Himself. So if we reject him, it's our own fault, because God drew us and therefore we had everything we needed to make the right choice.
4. Nature of the world: Greek dualism – the body is bad and the spirit is good.
Yeah again....
5. Nature of humans: God made all humans in his image, but some are so sinful they cannot be redeemed (Haitians, Africans, all Blacks). Just religious legitimation for racism, which is neither original nor difficult to perceive.
I truly never heard this one. Perhaps because we were, for the most part, educated middle-class white Minnesotans?
6. Bible: Bible is all true and speaks plain meaning in literal terms. Yet we also need numerology, codes, and derivative charts to understand it.
My church wasn't too into all of this stuff, though I do remember people getting very excited about the Psalm 94=1994 prophecy stuff. The attitude was not so much that we can't understand it without this extra stuff, but that it gives us a fuller and truer picture of what God wants.
In the case of the Bible Code, it is God's proof that He wrote the Bible.
7. Conspiracy: Maybe this comes from late 19th c. liberalism – the sense that people are after us trying to destroy our movement. Conspiracies abound – weather control, gov’t, end times, Bill Clinton…
One of my guilty pleasures (along with reality dating shows) is conspiracy theories. Not that I take them too seriously.... Anyway, I don't remember encountering this too much, except in the sense of "those witches pray against Christians every day at 3 am, so you have to be sure to pray against them," "those liberals are trying to keep God out of the schools/courts/country," "there are demons everywhere just waiting to pounce on you."
Sometimes I think I should win some kind of award. I have once again set of the fire detector. All I can say is that it's a mighty good thing it's not wired with a direct connection to the fire department; it must go off at least once a week, and sometimes 4 or 5 times a day. Usually it's just steam from the teakettle that irritates it, though one time a few weeks ago I came back into the kitchen to find small flames leaping up from under the burner; a piece of food had fallen under there and caught fire. The baking soda I used to put it out is still everywhere.
So this morning I decided to make tea. I even turned on the vent before turning on the burner. For just the most fleeting of moments, I wondered whether I'd turned on the right burner, but I returned to reading the news with the thought, "Of course I did." Beep beep beep. Wrong answer.
Returning to the kitchen, I found that the other burner glowing bright orange. Wouldn't be so bad, except that I had a plate and bowl sitting on top of it. The plate shattered as I pushed it from the burner. Pity, since it's one of a set of four with different pictures and I'll never be able to replace it. Oh well.
So now the house smells like smoke, once again. Lovely.
This morning (about 10 am) I finished a book I started about 11 last night. The Dogs of Babel traces a man's decent into the madness of grief after his wife's sudden death. He becomes obsessed with the idea of teaching their dog to talk, so that he can learn what truly caused her death. The language is not as beautiful as Peace like a river, though I found several passages and phrases which stick in my mind.
I also read Skeleton Cave, a children's book written in 1954. It was an interesting glimpse into a world that no longer exists. A young boy on a farm finds an "ancient indian" skeleton in a cave where they have also found many artifacts. He sneaks off to the city, tells a professor about it, and the professor and another man agree to buy all the artifacts from them so that the boy's family can buy a wheelchair for grandpa. I have trouble envisioning a time where there wouldn't be outcry at the idea of someone just digging up & selling artifacts.
In-progress books:
The Brendan Voyage - a man makes a wood & leather boat to sail from Ireland to America
How to Run a Traditional Jewish Household - an interesting look at family purity, rituals and prayers, and the rhythm of the Jewish calendar
Common Prayers - written by a Christian man married to a Jewish woman, talking about what he has learned from being a part of a Jewish family for many years
The Allure of Hope - a gift from a friend which arrived today
It's nice to be on my third day at home and know that I have 2 more days where I don't have to go to work. I don't feel like I've gotten much done, though. I slept in a bit, then stopped by the library (6 books, one DVD, and a 4-VHS tape set about the ocean depths - it has a scary fish on the front), ran to Target & Rainbow, then set off to find Methodist Hospital. They really need more signs; I drove around in circles, peering through constant road spray for about 1/2 hour before I finally managed to find the hospital. Once there, I got to hold Toby, a bittersweet experience.
Recently I realized that I haven't talked to 3 of my fairly-close friends since they had babies - the first last summer, the most recent a few months ago. I just can't deal with it. So I feel like a horrible friend. I suppose I should at least call a couple of them tomorrow; I know I'd feel sad and neglected if a friend dropped out of my life like that.
The tv has been on a lot the past few days. I'm lonely and I need noise. The cats are cuddly, but they just aren't enough right now. My sense of despair isn't quite as intense as on Tuesday, but it still lingers on, casting a haze over everything.
Jenell's entry today was very interesting, as she seemed to be echoing a number of my thoughts.
My background is in the new age/occult. The meditation that welcomed demons was the kind that emptied my mind and said, "whatever's out there, come on in." (I don't believe that a Christian can inadvertantly let them in during prayer; I think it needs to be much more intentional than that.) During college, I was quite involved with a charismatic church which made a big deal of exorcisms and fighting off the attacks of the devil. I have no doubt that evil spirits are real, and that they can try to harm us.
Last week I realized just how much my view has changed from the "demon behind every bush" view I had in college. Somehow I happened across the Demon Buster website a few days ago. Though some of the views on the site are similar to those I once held, I couldn't help feeling depressed as I read. Playing cards are evil. Candles are evil. Stuffed animals and dolls are evil. Music with drums is evil.
How sad is it that God's people live in such fear? How sad that we focus on evil, rather than good? Yes, satan is active in the world. We need to be careful not to give him more power than he actually has, though. He isn't and never will be as powerful as God. I think satan's attacks are just the desperate last struggles of a rebel army that knows it has already been defeated.
In the past few years, I've found myself worrying a lot less about other people's relationships with God. I want to believe in God's goodness. I want to believe that God draws people to him and it doesn't all rely on me. I want to believe that God loves his creation and pursues us ardently.
I called (well, emailed) in sick today. I need a break from computers. Let's hear it for "mental health days".
I've been doing fine the past few days, then about 15 minutes ago my mood inexplicably started plummeting and I feel myself being pulled into a quicksand of self-pity and sorrow. How do you get past loneliness? How do you take action, when the only possibilities you see are those which terrify you?
Damn. I hate crying at work.
It's too early for PMS.
I stared at a computer for something like 13 hours yesterday. I don't foresee today being much different. Or the day after that. How sad is it to turn on the tv because you're desperate for the sound of human voices, even if they aren't talking to you?
It's days like this
that I want to leave -
shut the book,
close the door,
and live my life free of you.
My anger, my frustration,
my petulance
have gotten the best of me.
They fill my heart
and push out the passion
I once felt.
And yet, just
when I think I've resigned myself
to your silence,
to my solitude,
my heart echoes Peter's cry:
"Lord, you have the words of eternal life.
To who else can we go?"
And, though I fight it,
I remain.
(journal - 9/21/03)
Fuck. I was fine when I woke up. Where is this coming from?
Last night after church I thought I'd turn on the TV to watch the news, since Sunday is "free day" during Lent. After about 2 minutes I was so annoyed by the flashing lights and blather that I had to turn it off. I'd rather get my news online, where my time isn't wasted with weather updates every 5 minutes (note: still warm-ish. stuff melting) or repeated demonstrations of just how stupid it is to drive through a neck-high piece of wire while doing 60 mph on a snowmobile. Seriously, that's all they showed during the few minutes I hoped for a glimpse of the outside world. News anchors doing their best to sound awed and surprised ("Hey Jane, look at that! The wire is embedded in the dummy's neck!") quickly becomes tedious.
The sense of spring has gripped me. I long for that renewal of life to stay.
