I woke up in darkness this morning, pulled from slumber at the ungodly hour of 6 am. Despite the best of intentions, I just couldn't get up, so I hit snooze twice and then reset the alarm for 6:45. My body doesn't recognize that it's morning until the sun is up.
At 6:45 the faint glow through my window was a bit stronger, though still largely comprised of street light shine. I sat up in the middle of my bed, eyes closed, feeling the cool breeze from the fan and the open window play across my shoulders. These nights are made for sleeping, just cool enough for a quilt or the edge of my down comforter.
I love the bluejean and sweater weather of autumn, the foggy mornings where sunrise wraps the lake and park with wisps of pink and orange.
It's winter I hate, with the dark and cold that seem to seep into every crevice of my being. But for now, I will embrace the crimson leaves and migrating geese, clutching them to me as a treasure I can pull out some long February night.
Last night the thunder made the whole house shake-worse even than the heavily-laden freight trains which rattle their way at the end of my street. This was a whole-house shudder. Again and again. And yet, when I counted the seconds between flash and bang, it seemed the lightning was striking at least a mile and a half away.
I almost turned around halfway through my morning walk from parking lot to office this morning. The rain was blowing straight sideways and by the time I reached refuge I was soaked from hip to toe. I'm still damp, 4 hours later. Cold & clammy clothes do not make for a happy Rachel.
Life seems both stagnant and overwhelming these days. Dragging myself out of bed and into the office has taken all of my energy, leaving me to stare blankly at the monitor for hours on end. I wake again and again in the night. I sleepwalk through the day. Apply for a job that might be fun? Who has the energy for that? And who would want me, in the state I'm in? God, I am dreading the darkness of winter already; how much more can I slow down?
This weekend the screaming lonelies jumped out of nowhere and accosted me. I reasoned (quite rationally) with them and managed, for the most part, to keep them at bay. This is one of those times where I think my old worldview, with the "demons behind every bush", might actually make life easier. That I can understand. It's easy to know what to pray. Things seem slipperier now: it's not as easy to know the cause - hormones? depression? the unseen forces in the heavenly realmes? - or what to do to fix it.
In some ways, I think my current worldview/spiritual state is probably better. There's a freedom in believing that God loves you (however that happens) and isn't just waiting to whack you every time you get out of line. The safety of not having to constantly worry "is this God's will?" is somewhat cancelled out by the greater danger of freedom, though. Things aren't as clear-cut as when I'm just making sure I avoid everything on the checklist; now I have to address the bigger questions and hidden reasons behind my actions.
I was surprised and ... well, "touched" isn't exactly the word I want, but I'm really tired and can't think of anything better... by the number of people who welcomed me into their lives this weekend. The lonely moments were still there, but they were outweighed by the time spent as part of a community (both church and my neighborhood).
Friday lunch at Maria's with Marlene was followed by a quick visit with Carla & the kids. Stacey, Jeff, and Allie joined me for dinner Friday, which was nice. I was glad to have the chance to get to know them better.
On Saturday, I planted a bunch of Lilies of the Valley in the front garden. Then the neighbor across the street helped me haul a huge pile of branches from my garage to the compost site. They've been there for over a year, filling up a huge section of the garage and making it unusable, so I'm glad to have them gone. After that, we went to an open house for my former neighbor and spent the evening chatting with her & the couple that lives on the other side of my house. It was nice to start feeling like I actually belong in the neighborhood. If I'd woken up earlier, I would have joined Katie at the farm; while I regret missing hanging out with her, the things I did were also good.
Sunday was a brief trip to the fair. Too hot and sticky, so I came home for a nap before church. On Monday I slept most of the day and then went to Laura & Dustin's, where I was able to catch up with more people.
I have a hard, itchy lump on my stomach. I'm afraid maybe I got bitten by a spider when I was messing with all the branches. Perhaps I just got poked with a stick and have a splinter stuck in there, though. That might be better. Spider bites are icky and don't heal well, as evidenced by the scar on my foot.
Still no word on the freelance job. I'll keep you all posted. Oh - last night I made my Match profile public & contacted one of the eharmony guys. I'll let you know how that goes, too.
This week I filled out the surveys for eharmony (again. sigh) and a similar dating site. They both told me they couldn't find any matches for me right now. It makes me feel sad to think I'm so strange that there's nobody out there looking for me. edited to add: I just logged into my email and eharmony now has 8 matches for me, which is more than they ever came up with in the year I was a member. Just don't want y'all to think I'm that much of a freak. :)
Just a few minutes ago, I was sitting here luxuriating in the knowledge that I won't have to be back to work for four whole days. Then, as I watched the "I'm going to be out of town" emails roll in from the Friday dinner group, I started feeling just so lonely. Damn. Now I'm crying. At least I'm the only one left in the office. I know it's irrational; I have friends who will still be in town, places I'd be welcome if I wanted to visit. It just makes me sad to know that I'm not going to be able to hang out with the people I've been looking forward to talking with for two weeks.
Added Friday morning: Dinner is at my house tonight, for any of the Friday group who read this.
Self-control is going to be hard-fought this weekend, I think. This feels like one of those bouts of loneliness that makes me want to drink. At least I've grown up enough to realize this self-destructive tendency so that I can try to head it off at the pass.
I've calmed down today and find myself wanting to delete yesterday's post. Not because it's no longer true, but because I'm afraid that it makes me "look bad" and that's something I don't like. I'm leaving it up, though, as I'm striving for authenticity. Now if I could only shut up the little voices that say, "Nobody will love you when you aren't cheerful and sweet and good all the time."
strange things I wonder about
This morning I left my office for a few minutes and when I came back I remembered that I needed to tell one of the profs that some information was now on our website. It turns out that he had stopped in to ask me about that while I was away from my desk. It's been several weeks since we last discussed this, so the timing is interesting.
While in CO, my mom told me about an afternoon in MD where she was watching my brother's soccer game. She looked across the field at an old house on the other side and saw horse-drawn carriages and people in old-time dress. She says she watched them move around & go in & out of the house for several minutes. Then they vanished.
I've been wondering how I reconcile events like these with my Christian beliefs. I can interpret the ghosts I saw as a child to demons, but these other events seem different somehow.