Transience

candy for the soul

That's my new name for Lexapro. God, the past few days I have felt so good. Better than I remember feeling in ages - possibly years. I feel funny again. I want to laugh and tell jokes. Cleaning the house didn't completely overwhelm me. I had a really good birthday/Thanksgiving hanging out at Colleen's house. (I've learned that I have absolutely no tolerance for alcohol now that I'm on the meds, though.) I laughed at "Elf", even though I rarely laugh at movies. I smiled at the woman who checked me out at Rainbow. I had a good time talking with Colleen & Erik when they came over for dinner last night (and stayed up late talking with Erik when Colleen left). Today I have done nothing but sleep and watch "The Butcher's Wife", which is a cute movie. Now Aidan is cuddled by my hip and I'm debating whether 5:45 is too early to go to bed.

The only downer today was looking out the window and seeing snow. But at least it didn't make me cry, like it did last year.

fear

On Sunday night Isaac marched out of the toddler room and into the hallway. "I'm going upstairs now," he told me firmly. No, I said, he had to stay downstairs a little longer. I wrapped my arm around him and he got somewhat agitated as he told me to make Oscar stop pretending to be a velociraptor. "It's scary." I tried to explain that Oscar wasn't trying to scare him, but was just playing, the way he (Isaac) likes to pretend to be a "sharptooth". Alas, my convincing skills need a bit of help, as he didn't buy it, but he agreed to come in when I told him I'd ask Oscar to play something else. When we got back in the room, Jenell had everyone settled down (briefly) for story time, so all was well.

For the past few days I've been thinking about the things I let scare me which shouldn't really be scary: Turning 30, being single, looking for a new job, dating again, going to the doctor. I wonder how many times God just looks at me and shakes his head (figuratively, of course), wondering when I'm going to realize that it's all just a game?

Anna (and my other SAD-affected friends): I bought my sunrise simulator via eBay for about $28, including shipping. I LOVE it. I can use my own lamp (so it looks nice in my room), unlike most of the dawn simulators out there. And it's almost $50 cheaper than the next cheapest version I could find. Most dawn lamps run $80-$150.

Just 11 shopping hours left until my birthday, folks!

it's getting better

Today's soundtrack: cue the Beatles "Getting Better"

A week into my new drug-taking regimen, I was shocked to discover myself able to sit through a meeting without wanting to tell my boss (and everyone else in there) to shut the fuck up. My psycho-bitch screaming at other drivers has also lessened, which is good. It scares me to experience such uncontrollable rage for no good reason; it's just not normal for me.

The past few days I've felt... well, perhaps "lighter" is a good word. I don't feel like I'm solely responsible for hauling the weight of the world around on my back. I can think more clearly. I can focus at work. (Yesterday was my most productive day in over a month.) I find myself wanting to smile and sing, which hasn't happened much in the past year. The nausea is almost completely gone & the libido seems to be resurfacing. All-in-all, I'd say this was a good decision for me. I keep wondering, "Is this normal? Is this what I should feel like?" The full effects aren't supposed to kick in for 4-6 weeks, so I'm curious to see how it will all play out.

I also have to put in a plug for my dawn similator; it's making it much easier for me to wake up in the morning. Seriously, I open my eyes and it feels warm & light like a summer morning and I smile. I may hit snooze a few more times, but it's no longer the god-awful dragging myself out of bed 10 minutes after I should be at my desk problem.

The lost days & months bother me, though.
Last night one of my best friends called and I realized we haven't talked since July. I missed her 30th birthday. I never asked if they'd made an offer on a house they were considering. She didn't know that I'd seen my niece. If it were just her, it might be ok, but I'm realizing that I've done that to everyone I know. The past few months just slipped away from me and I feel so bad that I wasn't able to live them.

I'll end today with my answer to the "What have you learned since college?" question on my 10th Reunion page: Life never goes the way you think it will. I was worried about all the wrong things. Nothing is better than a purring cat and a mug of tea on a winter afternoon.

not so bad

I'm up and at work today. Other than a bit of nausea, I feel mostly ok, as long as I don't stand up too long (because then I feel woozy). It's a good thing I showed up, since my boss decided to schedule a big meeting today. Did he bother to respond to my "I'm sick" email yesterday? Did he mention the meeting, just in case I was at death's door and wouldn't make it? Of course not. And I'm bringing the information we have to discuss, so everyone would have just been out of luck.

Perhaps it's the drugs, but this example of his incompetance isn't making me screamingly-angry, as it would have several weeks ago. I can't bring myself to care too much.

side-effects suck

So far I don't feel any happier. Just exhausted and nauseous. All the time. I went in to work late yesterday & left early. This morning I got dressed and then decided I should stay home, so I went back to bed and slept until noon. Lunch was a bold foray into the non-Saltines world of soup. It's staying down, with the help of ginger ale, which is nice. I feel like I should be doing something - painting the ceiling, selling on eBay, working on a website, gathering up the leaves from the lawn, cleaning the litterbox, doing laundry. But I'm just sitting here without the energy to do anything.

My sunrise simulator came yesterday. I'll let you know how it works out. If you're looking for one of the fake-dawn alarm clocks, this is a much cheaper alternative.

let's hear it for drugs!

I hope that soon this blog will be filled with fewer fuck!s and more whee!s.