I think things are easing back towards normalcy. Just got an email in response to last night's explanation & it sounds like he seems to understand a little better why I completely flipped out.
Not sure when I'll see him again (though I'm pretty sure I will), but at least this is a step in the right direction.
Thanks again for your prayers & friendship, everyone.
via KP
1. Number of books you have owned: Oh, probably thousands. Though now I hardly ever buy them, since the library is so close to my house.
2. Last book(s) I bought:
A World Full of Gods: The Strange Triumph of Christianity by Keith Hopkins
The God We Never Knew by Marcus Borg
Adam, Eve, & the Serpent by Elaine Pagels
Beyond Belief: The Secret Gospel of Thomas by Elaine Pagels
3. Last book(s) I completed:
A World Full of Gods
The Shy Single
Um... can't remember what else. I'm in the middle of about 4 right now, so I haven't finished anything in a week or two
4. Five (or so) books that mean a lot to me:
John Donne's poetry
Under the Tuscan Sun by Frances Mayes
anything by Jane Austen
Peace Like a River by Leif Enger
The Shaping of a Life by Phyllis Tickle
Rats Magic
Walking on Water by Madeleine L'Engle
4b. What are you currently reading?
Adam, Eve, & the Serpent
A History of God
The God We Never Knew
The Cave of John the Baptist
magazines: Old House Journal, Family Handyman
4c. What do you wish you'd get around to reading?
Reimagining Spiritual Formation - I read about a third, then managed to lose the book.
The tears have stopped. Which is good, because I'm sure the well must have nearly run dry by now. If they kept up, the pump would soon be bringing up mud, which would make me look even worse than I already did with puffy, red eyes. Because puffy, red, muddy eyes are so attractive.
Thanks to all of you for your friendship & support as I try to figure out how to do this. It means so much to me. Really.
After giving myself time last night to stop & breathe & not think about things for a few hours, I re-read his last email. And upon this calmer reading, I realized he seemed less angry than confused & hurt by my out-of-the-blue blowup. I suspect things are not nearly as bad as I thought they were yesterday. We have just not been communicating well. And I am embarassed for the part I played in this.
I sent a brief, explanatory email (not the epic one some of you received a draft of) last night. And I'm hoping we'll be able to talk later in the week. In the clear light of a new morning, I am no longer convinced that this is the end of our friendship & he'll never speak to me again.
So, yeah. The lesson I've learned? Do not make phone calls or send email in the heat of the moment. Wait until I've had time to calm down & think rationally. There's always another side to the story.
Oh the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person; having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but to pour them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then, with the breath of kindness, blow the rest away.
-- George Eliot
I think I've messed everything up.
Bad communication on both our parts.
I was hurt. Now he's angry & insulted.
I don't know how to fix this.
Please pray for me.
How the hell am I going to sit through a meeting in an hour? I can't stop crying.
Looks like the position mentioned in a previous entry is still open.
I'm surprisingly ok with that. Perhaps because things seem to be in the "I like spending time with you but just don't know..." stage, rather than "you'll never be more than a friend so just suck it up & deal." Perhaps because, after the awkwardness of the DTR conversation, we were still able to have a long, comfortable talk about other, deeper topics we'd never discussed before.
Hell, despite the part of me that longs to rush right in and get to the fun of kissing, my brain tells me that's not always the smartest move. (Especially not for me.) And in the grand scheme of things, how normal is it to have decided in less than 2 months whether you want to commit (even temporarily) to someone? And how often do I follow along with what society tells me is normal?
Yep. Right.
So where are we now? Well, we're getting together on Saturday. And we're going to keep spending time together & having fun & getting to know each other & being friends. And no more DTR's for at least another month.
Why am I writing all this? Because you, gentle reader, may be wondering. And because, for right now, I need to ask you not to ask me how things with TheBoy are going. I am slightly disappointed that he didn't jump at the chance to define things the way I'd like, but at the same time very very glad that we still get to spend time together. He's brought me a lot of joy in the past few months and I can't imagine giving that up simply because he isn't comfortable kissing me tonight. God only knows (literally) what will happen in the future. But I want to enjoy it while I can.
Orpheus - a poem
Reporter in Iraq - a funny video (Windows Media)
And now I should really get back to work....
Things with TheBoy have felt strange this week & I was convinced he didn't like me as much as he used to lo these many (6) weeks ago. This despite the fact that every time he rescheduled a date it was because work kept him late or something similar. And he flat-out told me he wasn't blowing me off. I am just feeling insecure.
But tonight on the phone (rather than our date, rescheduled for tomorrow) he told me that he's just been having a terrible week, worrying about work & what he should do with his life. Sounds like he's just needed a lot of time to think & has been afraid that he'd be bad company.
Whew. Nothing like reassurance that things aren't all my fault.
Our evening's conversation was lovely and fun and delightful. And we're going out tomorrow and possibly Saturday.
Reassurance is good. It's important for me to be reminded that not everything revolves around me. It's a little frustrating, though, as I've spent the day running possible "so, I really like you" conversations through my mind, but just as I got my nerve up our date was postponed again. So now tomorrow I will once again be all distracted as I wonder what I'll actually have the guts to say or do.
Just ran across a webpage of my senior yearbook page. Wow. It's strange to see everyone 14 years later. I'm amused to see the people I thought were so cute or pretty and realize that they weren't that different from anyone else.
Bonus points: find Travis, my first boyfriend (if you don't count Harry, from 3rd grade - I don't, because he moved away & I didn't even realize it for several weeks). A bit of googling shows that Boyfriend#1 now a chemistry instructor. Let's hear it for Mr. Chemistry! (his nickname)
Boyfriend #2 is nowhere to be found, which is just as well.
Boyfriend #3 just gave his PhD recital (trumpet).
Boyfriend #4? Well... the position is still open, though I'm hoping perhaps there will be an applicant tomorrow Wednesday night.
Since a fateful stop at a gas station somewhere in Montana or North Dakota on Saturday, I have been fascinated by the changing colors of my new mood ring. There is something strangely compelling about watching it shift from lavendar to teal to deep purple. (How quickly will it revert if I take it off? Does it change color when I think of certain people? What if I wash my hands or hold my mug of tea?) Right now the flowers alternate between cobalt and rich purple. During my meeting earlier this morning, they were lavendar & blue while it rested on the table, but turquoise and medium gray-purple when I spun it between my fingers.
Who knew I could get so much pleasure from a $1.99 purchase?
It has been 2 weeks since my last date with TheBoy, thanks to the distractions of visiting family & Montana & sucky work schedules on his part. But we are supposed to get together tonight. There's not much else to say, I suppose. I've missed him (and in Montana, kept thinking "Oh, Dave would think these rocks are cool. And he'd be as excited as I am at the thought of dinosaur bones possibly lying beneath our feet. Would the colors & patterns at Yellowstone inspire a new painting?"). But I wonder whether he missed me. I've reached the insecure stage I go through in all friendships/relationships where I wonder if I'm being too open, too vulnerable, too me. Will that scare him away? Seeing Mar's Montana photos online a few minutes ago made me feel horribly gross & unattractive. My big fear today is that I'll do something like kiss him on the cheek and he'll say "Um... I don't like you in that way...."
Montana was lovely, but it's nice to be home again. We got to Britt's folks' place about 2am today, whereupon Katie & Anna & I did the whole sort-out-luggage-and-junk routine in the dark. ("Who's sleeping bag is this?" "I don't know, I can't see. It's not mine." "Hmm. Is it Britt's or Marlene's?" "Um... I don't know.")
Driving home from Eden Prairie, I realized that I really shouldn't drive with my glasses - they're 2 prescriptions old and all the lights I pass turn into glowing sunbursts. Oh yeah - and I can't read street signs until I'm right under them. Deciding this makes highway driving a little less-than-smart, I decided to avoid 35W and 94 and instead took 62 to 5 to West 7th. But then I missed my turn onto Lexington. "Oh well," I thought to myself (actually, I think it was "Crap!!! Crap crap crap!"), "I'll just go a little farther & cut across to Smith & go up Summit. Keep in mind that I've only done this about 3 times, never in total darkness, and never coming from this direction. I discover several minutes later that I have no idea where Smith is. I have no idea that West 7th is so long. I am very tired.
I pull over and try to read my map, but tiny text, lack of light, and old glasses do not mix well. Oh - and exhaustion. Can't forget that. So I finally manage to figure out where I am, but can't tell which direction heads to downtown & which goes back to Lexington. I decide, pull out and go around the block, second-guess myself, look at the map again, get back on 7th, and realize I have absolutely no idea where I'm going. Ha. Many, many blocks later, I turn onto Lexington. Yep. Despite reading the map twice (or thrice?), I was too tired to figure out which direction I was really going. Oh well. At least I made it home, only about 20 minutes later than I would have, if I'd managed to not miss my turn the first time.
The cats were delighted to see me and haven't stopped purring and trying to lick me. This is sweet, but it gets annoying when I'm trying to sleep.
We went out last night & I found myself wondering why on earth I was worrying about anything. There is just something so *right* about being with him. And when I'm with him, I have no doubt that he enjoys being with me.
One thing I've been thinking about (and that we've discussed a bit) is that, as a 4, I am always thinking about the past or wondering about the future. I just can't live in the present moment. (He, on the other hand, is just the opposite. Living in the moment & unable to plan ahead.) Usually the only place where I can stop the whirling of my mind and just BE is in the woods. And now it also seems to be with Dave. I find myself just thoroughly enjoying each second as it comes, rather than racing ahead with "what if's".
The experience of losing your faith, or of having lost it, is an experience that in the long run belongs to faith; or at least it can belong to faith if faith is still valuable to you, and it must be or you would not have written me about this. I don’t know how the kind of faith required of a Christian living in the 20th century can be at all if it is not grounded on this experience that you are having right now of unbelief. “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief” is the most natural and most human and most agonizing prayer in the gospels, and I think it is the foundation prayer of faith.
- Flannery O’Connor
I just ran across this quote and it captured so well my thoughts of the past days & months, when I find myself asking again and again, "What do I believe? Why? How can I believe? Am I still a Christian? What does that mean?"
So far, I've discovered that I'm good at coming up with the questions, but not so great at finding answers.
Spending time with TheBoy reminds me that I am not good at living in the present moment. I am constantly looking to the past, hoping to find patterns that will help me understand, or wondering about the future. I so rarely just experience and enjoy the now. (He, on the other hand, is most comfortable taking life one day at a time, unwilling to impose an arbitrary schedule on events.) The past week I've been struggling mightily with this, wanting to skip ahead to a place where everything is neat and defined and I no longer have to wonder or worry.
But relationships, whether with God or boys, are not that easy. There is the delicate dance of getting-to-know-you. There is fear and excitement and misunderstanding. There is patience and respect and hope. There are times when I want to say "This is me. This is who I really am-fears and darkness and beauty and everything bound up together. Will you still love me if I truly let you in?"