Transience

seven

via KP

Seven Things I Plan To Do Before I Die:
1. be happily married
2. have kidlets
3. get around to painting the bathroom
4. make beautiful things
5. return to Italy
6. be debt-free (including the house)
7. read a lot more

Seven Things I Can Do
1. read. a lot. very fast.
2. tell you what colors to paint your house
3. soothe a baby
4. lots of artsy crap (writing, painting, singing, stained glass, beadwork)
5. write HTML in my sleep
6. stuff I never realized I could do (brake job, plumbing, etc.)
7. find information quickly (books, google) and put it together in a usable form

Seven Things I Can't Do:
1. enjoy working out
2. keep my stuff organized
3. walk on water
4. live without chocolate
5. trust more & worry less
6. stop questioning & wondering & learning
7. finish what I start

Seven Things That Attract Me to the Opposite Sex:
1. kilts
2. intelligence & an interest in many things
3. creativity
4. dry humor
5. geekiness
6. nice eyes
7. good conversational skills

Seven things I say the most:
1. Crap
2. Fuck
3. Ugh.
4. Isn't it 5:30 yet?
5. 22091006203643 (my library card number)
6. I think...
7. I feel...

Seven Celebrity Crushes:
1. Luke from Gilmore Girls
2. Viggo in LOTR
3. most of the men on Lost
4. Yeah. Guess that's it. I can't actually think of specific names, 'cause I'm not too into celebs.

Addition: Seven Things That Make Me Happy:
1. watching my friends' kids grow up & getting to be a part of their lives
2. color - especially green
3. trees
4. books. duh.
5. friends who welcome me, flaws and all
6. learning
7. iced tea and a warm croissant at Bread & Chocolate on a lazy Sunday morning

weekend update with Rachel

Do any of you find yourselves humming "Lovely Rita, Meter Maid" all day long? I do, and it's getting freaking annoying.

I just scored 30/30 on the Books are my Friend quiz. And I only guessed on 3 or 4 questions.

Heard from someone promising on Match today. Hmm. Both this one & the boy showed up just after I did major reorganizing/cleaning in my bedroom. Maybe there's something to this feng shui stuff? Oh - on Thursday while cleaning, I realized that it's been less than a month since we had the misunderstanding. So I'm waiting little longer before initiating contact with TheBoy again, since I get the feeling he has some timeframe in mind, though he hasn't told me what it is. I'm hoping we can still hang out and be friends, but I guess that's up to him. I'm certainly not pinning all my hopes for the future on him, but then again, I never was. Oh well. Since Thursday's cleaning, this is the most relaxed and ok that I've felt about the situation since that fateful day.

Today I had a croissant at Bread & Chocolate (their "Florentine" is divine), wandered around the Renaissance Fair for several hours and enjoyed a lot of good people watching as I navigated huge puddles and mud, bought a lovely raku pot with ginko leaves on it at the aforementioned fair, took a nap which ran so late that I skipped church, read more of Freakonomics, watched the Simpsons, watched Desperate Housewives, and putzed around on the computer.

Yesterday evening I was hacking up a lung, after breathing too much dust during my closet-cleaning extravaganza. The upstairs (especially the office) looks terrible, but my room is much more organized (though not yet done) & it feels good to be so productive. Now I just need to keep my motivation high, so the house doesn't stay like this.

letting go (or: want some of my old crap?)

Yesterday I was exhausted, so I let myself sleep in (until 8:30! gasp!) and emailed-in sick. But then I got the itch to be productive. So I emptied out the pile of boxes and bags and pillows and tumbled-together clothes and junk from my closet. I've been in this bedroom for months, but have never actually used the closet; instead, I shoved in all sorts of crap that had been stored in the room so that I could paint, then left it there.

But no longer.

I pulled a bookshelf from the office & stuck it in the closet to hold sweaters & sheets. Hung up some of my shirts. Sorted through all of the clothes that were lumped in the closet and piled on the bedroom floor. I now have a huge pile of things I need to give away. Seriously - a giant duffle-bag suitcase of stuff.

Then this morning I sorted through a pile of crap that I had shoved into a laundry basket & forgotten. Catalogs & junk mail from 2003. 2003. Good grief. It felt so good to bring an armful down & drop it in the recycle bag.

While at HomeDepot & Target yesterday, I started wondering why I was thinking of buying stuff (shelves, etc.) to hold my stuff. Why pay more money to store things I don't want or need or love? So I came home empty-handed but determined to purge even more.

I still have to work through my dresser and the other closet. (Alas, the other closet makes this one look like the height of streamlined minimalism.) And boxes upon boxes of random papers & crap that I haven't even opened since moving in 3 years ago. Books will also be purged at some point.

Ah, there's something liberating about this. Very feng-shui.

doubt & waiting

Last night the phone rang at 9 pm and my heart jumped into my throat. Alas, 'twas not TheBoy responding to the "can we be friends again?" email that I sent late Thursday night. Instead, it was a guy from college asking if I could help with the retreat we're having next month for people who were involved in the christian group(s) at my college. So now I'm partly responsible for helping to pick people to be on the discussion panel & come up with questions to ask them.

"What kind of questions?" I asked him.
"What they wish they'd known or done differently in college, how their faith has affected their lives, that sort of thing."

He also suggested several people that I should ask (and mentioned one that he'd rather I didn't). It felt... weird. Because I'm not totally sure why he doesn't want this one person on the panel, but I suspect that my current beliefs are probably more similar to his than to the "acceptable" people's. I found myself relieved that he didn't want me on the panel (since I don't know how honestly I could answer the questions), but it also left me wondering a bit why I'm not "good enough". Yeah, mixed messages. I know. But see, I'm not a) the missionary, b) the shiny-happy birth-control-free (and very large) blond family, or c) the very enthusiastically "spiritual" family that were suggested.

I'm just me. Rachel. Working at a mundane job, dragging myself to church in hopes of re-meeting a god I once believed in, holding myself so tightly because the stress of not knowing is enough to shred me and leave me weeping if I let down my guard.

What would I tell the current students who will join us at the retreat?
Don't lock yourself in the christian ghetto.
Faith doesn't make sense a lot of the time.
You know & understand a lot less than you think you do.
Love people more.
Doubt is normal. Don't be afraid of questions. Be afraid of not having questions.
Accept that there are days you will wish you could just be an agnostic because it would make life so much easier.
A lot of the "shoulds" and rules you pick up from evangelical christian culture are just crap. Be discerning & know when to dump them.

I'm looking forward to seeing my old friends again, but at the same time, I'm a bit apprehensive. I think it will just highlight how much I have left behind in the past 10 years. I fear they will no longer want me.

more to ponder

On other days, at other points in my life, I might find these cheesy & annoying. But today they speak to me.
The Most Powerful Force in the Universe

Gifts

questions & balance

I feel like I've been thinking so much recently, but I have nothing to say. I've not yet reached any conclusions, formed any theories, discovered any forgotten truths. All I've come up with is more questions. My mind races frantically down each new rabbit hole.

This past weekend it was very good to be able to catch up with all the friends I feel I've been neglecting the past few months. I seem to be regaining a sense of balance, at least in this realm, after being off-kilter for a while. (It's so good to be surrounded by love & acceptance.)

Yesterday I spent a lot of time reading enneagram stuff & pondering what it said. How do I move past my fear of abandonment into trust & hope? How do I relax and allow my friends to live as they are, rather than expecting them to act the ways I would? Who am I? Who should I be? Who could I be?

Currently pondering:
Why has my eye been twitching the past 2 days?
How do you ask someone if you're still friends?
How many more times must I risk my heart breaking?
What do I believe?
Why do I believe?
Am I bound to faith by the network of people in my life & my fear of what it would mean if I left, rather than from any true belief?
If so, what does that say about the last decade+ of my life?

assorted thoughts

movies
Last night I watched Sin City. And I have to tell you, I understand why TheBoy was enthralled. Visually, it was fascinating. The black-and-white shots with just a single color as a highlight really captured the pop-art, comic book feel for me. And the way shots were set up & framed also kept the episodic feel of a panel-by-panel story. Yeah, it was gory, but certainly not the worst I've seen. And the violence was so stylized that it was easy for me to disconnect from it. I doubt I'll watch it again any time soon, but I have to admit I enjoyed it. I don't know the last time I watched a movie without daydreaming or actually bothered to pause it when I got up to get a drink from the kitchen. (It was definitely more interesting than An Unfinished Life.)

things I want
a wooden computer

church, politics, & current events (or why Rachel is a terrible person)
I found Sunday night a frustrating experience for multiple reasons. I am tired of Hurricane Katrina photos on the projector with all the songs. They disturb and distract me. Yes, it is good to be aware of what's going on in the world. But frankly, I can't help but be aware, what with the all-Katrina, all-the-time coverage on tv & radio & internet. I come to church to focus on God. These days, for multiple reasons, that feels like a losing proposition.

I was also disturbed by the image of the girl with the flag used for one song's background image & the fact that there was an American flag standing in the sanctuary during church. For me, that really seems to be blurring the line between God's Kingdom and our country. And I don't like feeling that I'm being manipulated into being patriotic. (Heck, I refuse to say the Pledge of Allegiance, though I'll stand respectfully. I also refused to go forward at one of those endless altar calls they had at my old church, even when I was the only person still sitting & the pastor glared at me like I'd sprouted horns & a tail. And I usually refuse to do the greet-your-neighbor things Doug tells us to do. Call me a rebel.)

I'll admit that I was also disappointed that the sermon time was given over to 9/11. (Yes, I'm a horrible person. Deal with it.) I ended up leaving the building until people were done talking. I understand it was a major event in many lives. But I don't see why I should be forced to make it a part of mine again & again & again. Ok, it was a terrifying & sad time. But in the end, it didn't affect my life any more than the hurricane or tsunami have. Frankly, I found the first Gulf War much more traumatic. Should we have a special rememberance service on January 17? I can tell you how it felt to sit in the dark & watch grainy images of smart bombs on tv all day. I can tell you how it felt to not know where my dad was or if I'd ever see him again.

It seems there's a balance between acknowledging the pain in the world & focusing on it. The past few weeks I've felt like we're on the heavy end of the teeter-totter & God is about to be cherry-bumped off the top.

It doesn't help that I've spent the past few months grasping at anything that will keep me from feeling I've become a heretic. I don't like the fact that these days I come to church just to see my friends. But right now, you all are where I feel God. Not in what we do Sunday night, but in the simple fact of your presence and love. Today I long for a sense of transcendence.

back in the game

I un-hid my match.com profile on Friday night & promptly got 3 messages from the same guy. It left me almost in despair - so inappropriate & not at all what I was looking for. Heck, who spends 1/3 of his initial contact email telling you about the time he drove a church bus on a trip & one of the kids popped in a homemade porn video of his parents who were chaperones on that bus? I mean, really. Boundaries, people.

So I winked at a number of interesting-looking guys today. If anyone responds, I'll renew my membership. I'd only hidden it since I wasn't sure I wanted to pay the last time it expired & it doesn't seem fair to have my profile up when I'm not really able to respond.

Wish me luck.
(For those of you wondering about TheBoy: so am I. I'd still like to be friends with him, but right now I don't know if he's going to respond to my email or phone messages ever again. We had fun and I think I could handle his moods as a friend, but I'm realizing it's just not what I need in a long-term relationship.)

stuff & nonsense

Lovely: Rest stop dinosaurs and the image of God

Last night I jumped every time the phone rang. But it was never TheBoy. I kept hoping he would respond to the email I sent yesterday afternoon, asking if we could get together or at least talk. But perhaps he hasn't even gotten it yet.

Aargh. I do not do well with conflict and lack of resolution. I just want to explain myself and have everything go back to normal. And my current inability to do that makes me feel trapped. I want to say "Don't avoid me because you think I'm angry & you just can't deal with that. I'm not." I want to say "Are we still friends?" I want to say "Getting to know you has brought me more joy in the past few months than I can express. I don't want to lose that." I want to say so many other things that I don't trust myself to express properly via email.

I stayed up too late last night, reading other people's blogs and pondering Christian agnosticism, panentheism, reconciliation, and mindfulness. And then, once I'd finally gotten upstairs & into bed, I had to spend another hour reading so that I could finish Blink.

Wednesday's poem

Sightseeing with the dead

Another 40 miles
of splattered bugs on the windshield
and gravel down below.
I curl my hand
around the urn with grandma's ashes,
watching for a turnoff,
a sparkle past the sand.

South Dakota daughter,
child of farm and prairie,
you never saw the sea.
But you told me,
sometimes,
that you'd imagine the fields
were water,
the crows
seagulls.

Ah, but dreams have a way
of being swept behind
the cupboard door,
don't they?

Seven children,
thirty head of cattle,
more darning and baking
in one week than I'll do
all my life -
they rooted you.

But now we are free,
both of us -
me from my fears,
you from your duties.
So I'll take you with me,
farther away than you ever went before,
away from the prairie,
away from home,
away to the ocean
you always longed to see.

In the rushing waves
I hear the wind
dancing through the wheat.

sightseeing with the dead

Today I drove through the cemetary by my house. You'd think I would have wandered through it at some point in the 3 years I've lived here, but no. My thoughts were captured by the names, the dates, the lives and lives and lives summarized in just a few words and numbers carved in stone.

The cemetary is far more extensive than I'd realized. One section held dozens of nuns, together in death as they were in life. Another, a cluster of mausoleums that reminded me of my mental image of New Orleans. Several stern angels stood guard. (Do they do the same for us living? I once heard that each person has a specific guardian angel. If so, what happens when we die? Do they continue to faithfully guard our bodies until the resurrection?)

Some monuments from the 1880s are nearly illegible, their carving scrubbed away by hundreds of winters' snow. A brief fad in the early 1900s called for a family marker shaped like a tree trunk, with individual names on smaller "logs" around it. The more recent often have two names (his & hers), but only one death date. Is it comforting to visit a grave and see your own name there, to be reminded that you'll someday be together again?

So many names. So many lives. I wonder what stories they could tell?

today's project

Tuscany
Acrylic on canvas. Five 6"x6" panels.

#92 - Boundaries in Dating

Boundaries in Dating by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend

I skimmed this at the bookstore today and found it surprisingly comforting. The sections on dealing with conflict and how it shapes relationships helped me to set the past week in better perspective. Most of the rest of the book is just common sense (like the importance of friendship with the person you date), but it's good to be reminded of that sometimes. Of course, I'm breaking their first boundary by dating a non-Christian, but that didn't surprise me.

#91 - French Women Don't Get Fat

French Women Don't Get Fat: The Secret of Eating For Pleasure by Mireille Guiliano

Blah blah blah. Load of crap.
Why don't they get fat? They walk a lot. And they don't diet... Oh, except for this special leek soup that they use to lose weight.

The author is overly concerned with herself and has an astounding fondness for champaigne. One would think that the secret to being thin must include copious amounts of the bubbly. Other than that, the rest is common sense or standard diet-book fare in an exotic shell. Thank god for the library, because I'd be pissed if I'd actually paid to read this.

#90 - Stealing Jesus

Stealing Jesus : How Fundamentalism Betrays Christianity by Bruce Bawer

After reading the library's copy, I promptly went out and bought my own. Because I found myself wanting to go back through, marking it up and making comments in the margins. I found this fascinating & eye-opening, though sometimes I felt that the author drew false distinctions between the "church of law" and the "church of love". My experience with fairly fundamentalist churches showed much more concern for love than he acknowledges. Despite its faults, it was still a powerful book.

#89 - If Grace is True

If Grace Is True : Why God Will Save Every Person by Philip Gulley & James Mulholland

Interesting & thought-provoking. Unfortunately, I find their arguments unconvincing. Why? Probably because they justify their conclusions by saying that it's true just because they think so. Does it contradict the Bible? Well, no problem - they don't believe the Bible anyway.

Now, I'll admit that there are valid arguments in favor of universalism. And my theology is leaning in that direction, but in a more nuanced form. I just wish they'd been able to better support their conclusions.

#88 - The Birth of Venus

The Birth of Venus by Sarah Dunant

I thought this was an interesting glimpse into life in Renaissance Florence. It brought back memories of my semester there. Ah, to walk the cobblestone streets in the cool dawn light as the world awakens. And the soothing pleasure of walking from the hot noise of the street into the cool, dark courtyard and leaning my back against the ancient wood door that brings such silence.

Oh, right... the book.... It's enjoyable enough, as such things go. Not my favorite, but certainly not the worst thing I've read recently.

#87 - Death by Inferior Design

Death by Inferior Design by Leslie Caine

A forgettable but mildly interesting mystery. Nothing else to say.

#86 - The Cave of John the Baptist

The Cave of John the Baptist : The Stunning Archaeological Discovery that has Redefined Christian History by Shimon Gibson

Unless you're really interested in archaeology (including the day-to-day process), this will probably not be your favorite book. (Heck, it probably won't be, even if you love archaeology.) It's disjointed and fairly poorly written & edited. If you can get past that & focus on the historical events discussed (whether this cave was where John the Baptist actually baptized), it might have some value. But I wonder why it required an entire book to do so. It seems like a shorter article or paper would have been more effective.

#85 - A World Full of Gods

A World Full of Gods : The Strange Triumph of Christianity by Keith Hopkins

The content was interesting, but the format drove me crazy. The author was just trying too hard to be clever. And, unfortunately, I think he failed. Still, despite the exasperation-inducing chapter-to-chapter format switches, it did increase my interest in the period & development of Christianity.

#84 - Losing Faith in Faith

Losing Faith in Faith: From Preacher to Atheist by Dan Barker

Summary: preaching to the choir, anger, & strawmen.
The Christianity he rejects seems heavily influenced by fundamentalism. And, while some of his arguments are valid, many aren't convincing. Really, how many Christians are going to say "Hey, you're right! I can't prove the existance of God, so there's absolutely no reason to believe! Why didn't I realize that before?" Perhaps if I were an inerrantist or literalist I would have been threatened by some sections. But I'm not & I wasn't.

#83 - The Shy Single

The Shy Single : A Bold Guide to Dating for the Less-than-Bold Dater by Bonnie Jacobson & Sandra J. Gordon

Hmm. What to say? What to say? I guess I finished this book feeling that I'm not nearly as shy as I thought I was. Things could be much, much worse. Ah well....

weary

I am weary. A day or two ago, I developed a cold that has sapped what little strength I had left after an emotional weekend. I fell asleep on the couch before 7 last night, hauled myself to bed about 8, and got up at 6:30. Yet I'm still tired. Fuzzy brained, I wobble my down the hall to the drinking fountain and back to my desk.

I am bone-tired.
I read about what's going on in New Orleans & surrounding areas, but find it overwhelming. There is nothing I can do. So I tune out. Well, and toss out a few prayers for those affected. But I don't think I believe they will do any good.

My heart would ache, if it could. But emotion, like strength, has melted away.

I want to go home. I want to curl up in bed under the comforter and sleep until Monday. I want to call TheBoy, but I'm afraid. (Perhaps "the break" he thinks we need to take is more than just a few days and he won't be willing to talk to me?) I want to drink, to sip down a tall, cold glass of "grown-up chocolate milk" - organic milk, chocolate liqueur, and vanilla vodka, and watch Sense & Sensibility. I want my doubts and questions about God to be resolved, as all this pondering is disconcerting; the foundation on which I've stood for so long is once again shaking. I want to have the strength and courage to love.